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100 Insults For A Lawful Good Character Using Vicious Mockery

One hundred insults that even the most good-hearted character can use.

  1. Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
  2. Your Mama’s so fat she died. I’m sorry for your loss!
  3. The volume of the knowledge which you do not possess makes the ocean look like a puddle.
  4. May the chocolate chips in your cookies turn out to be raisins.
  5. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated just enough to be mildly uncomfortable.
  6. I’d like to leave you with one thought on your mind, but I don’t think it would fit.
  7. You look like someone who knows how to handle themselves in bed.
  8. Someone done blowed out your kindling.
  9. I see that you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  10. You started at the bottom… and it’s been downhill ever since.
  11. Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
  12. No, no, I’m not insulting you I’m describing you.
  13. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re invulnerable.
  14. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just keep on living.
  15. You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
  16. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
  17. Shock me. Say something intelligent.
  18. I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
  19. Isn’t it rather dangerous to use one’s entire vocabulary in a single sentence?
  20. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
  21. You’ll never be half the man your mother is.
  22. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  23. I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
  24. I would ask how old you are, but I doubt you can count that high.
  25. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
  26. Half your outfit looks fabulous!
  27. I love how you don’t care what people think of you.
  28. You are impossible to underestimate.
  29. I can’t believe you’d come out in public with a face like that. Have some decency and wear a mask.
  30. Let me say this in a language you can understand, grunts annoyingly.
  31. You are a person of rare intelligence.
  32. [In a mildly racist French accent] Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!
  33. You fight like a dairy farmer!
  34. You should learn from the dwarves and at least be drunk before you act insufferable.
  35. What is your name? Oh wait I forgot you don’t remember it.
  36. You’re ugly on a metaphysical level.
  37. Your nose looks bigger than your ego.
  38. I bet you didn’t even realize this was an insult!
  39. Wow, your hair is fine! … Wait, no, I mean thinning! Your hair is thinning!
  40. You would probably have a nice smile if it weren’t for your face!
  41. That outfit looks expensive. Shame it’s not helping…
  42. Nice hair!
  43. I’m so excited to forget you.
  44. Why do you have to be so tall? If you had been pint sized at least we could have overlooked you easier.
  45. Now was one of your parents an orc or are your teeth just that bad?
  46. Now I realize you’re probably an orphan but you cant have lived this long and learnt absolutely nothing in regards to manners.
  47. I would kill you but I don’t think the gates of heaven are wide enough for you to fit through.
  48. ”Oh, let’s fight the level X adventurers, they’ll die easily” Don’t you think if we were bad at this we would be dead by now. You’re idiots for even trying to fight us!
  49. Now there’s a face only an aboleth could love.
  50. That’s your big plan? I’ve heard more intelligent growls from an Owlbear.
  51. Are you made out of gold? You’re dense, soft, and I’d love to stick a pick axe in you.
  52. Wow! You did way better than I thought you would do. That’s great!
  53. You’re a really great adventuring party…just not for this quest.
  54. Well, wow…that idea is just something…we’ll have to remember that for a discussion on another day.
  55. I’m not saying you’re ugly, I’m just saying the beholder refused to look at you.
  56. Was that your own idea or did someone write it down for you?
  57. You know, I pity your mother. 9 months of effort to bring you into the world, and it’ll only take me a few moments to remove you from it.
  58. Don’t bother praying to your gods, cleric. You’re about to meet them.
  59. You’re not even worth the mud on my shoes.
  60. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately, my eyes are all too human in your presence.
  61. Did you rehearse that monologue? Oh what am I saying, you probably read it off of that napkin you call a spellbook
  62. Have you considered a career as a dung sweeper? You’ve already got the smell down pat.
  63. I don’t know what kind of mental gymnastics you did to reach that conclusion, but they certainly could outmatch a trained performer.
  64. Are you deaf, blind or just utterly stupid?
  65. I’d try to get you back on track, but you’d probably actually get on the train tracks and get killed in the process.
  66. I heard that you went in to a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
  67. Sorry, just give me a minute. I’m trying to think of ways to mock you, but in your case they’d be flattery.
  68. You butter your bread like an old man.
  69. You have the brain of someone who has encountered a Mind Flayer!
  70. You look like you’d eat two cakes for lunch.
  71. You have the sparse beard of a young pageboy.
  72. Agh! What is that horrible smell…oh I see you’ve bathed that layer of mud off today that must be it.
  73. Your wit has never been matched. Exceeded, often, but never matched.
  74. Did it hurt when you fell from the celestial plane, missed the material, and landed in the nine hells?
  75. Could you tell me what god you worship? I see no other reason save for divine luck that your dumb arse has lasted this long.
  76. So you’re the one that an Ogre brings along on a date so that he looks better by comparison. I’ve been looking for you on account of a friend.
  77. May I suggest you learn magic? I don’t see any other way you could cover up those horrendous blemishes.
  78. You’re mother, I’m sure, is a wonderful person. It’s a darn right shame you did t take after her.
  79. They say the gods make no mistakes, but you are proof otherwise.
  80. I am always happy to have you around. Your aroma is a vivid reminder why I no longer enter Owl Bear caves.
  81. Let me guess, you have a great personality.
  82. Wow. You really look your age.
  83. You are aware that people simply tolerate you?
  84. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
  85. You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the bottom.
  86. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  87. When was the last time you saw someone smile because you entered a room?
  88. I’m not angry. I’m just very disappointed.
  89. Your new haircut looks so much better than the last one.
  90. The foulest place of mine arse is fairer than thy face.
  91. You certainly do live up to your reputation.
  92. That kind of petty meanness doesn’t become you. Show us you can do better.
  93. I envy everyone you have never met.
  94. I’d try to insult you but I’d never do as well as nature did.
  95. I hope your day is filled with people like you.
  96. You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you’d make a spoon jealous.
  97. Your unibrow would make a Cyclops envious. Or horny.
  98. Looking at you makes me wish I needed glasses, and happened to forget them today.
  99. Normally I don’t insult people as intelligent as you, but I’ll make an exception in your case.
  100. May something bad befall you, like an onion falling on your head.

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